Is Singleness A Gift?

by | Feb 15, 2024

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Originally, I was going to write this blog post about singleness and how I’m struggling with it. I had planned on talking about how dating is so triggering for me and how much I hate it. I had this planned out since the being of February because. .you know, it’s February and Valentine’s Day, and welp, I’m single. This day can be really hard for the singles sometimes and I completely understand it. It can be hard for me too sometimes. Even on days outside of this holiday.

This post is still about that, but I had an epiphany and a mindset shift. Not all thanks to myself but because of some outside resources. I wanted to share them because this season of singleness has been so long and hard for me and I know I’m not alone. Some other singles need to hear this information too.

Recently, I started reading this book that I first saw on TikTok (yes, I am one of those people). I saw a few videos about it and most of them were girls saying they read it and then by the time they finished reading it, THEY FOUND THEY MANS. I don’t believe that, but good for them! What caught my attention was one girl who just so happened to mention it was a Christian book and how so far it was really good if you are into that type of stuff. I am! So, I thought about it for a while but still didn’t purchase it. After a few days went by I went to hang out with my sister and the book was on her dresser. I take things like this as a sign all the time. I don’t believe in coincidences. God wanted me to see that book again. So, I bought it. Fast forward to me getting this book. I read the first 3 pages of the introduction and was immediately triggered. Anxiety at an all-time high. So, I closed the book. I gave it a few days before I reopened it, but I’m back and I’m reading it. I’m glad I did because I am learning so much.

I think dating is just a touchy subject for me and I get defensive and angry anytime someone brings it up to me. I don’t like it. I don’t like the apps, meeting new people, and starting over just for them to disappoint you later just when you really like them. It’s all annoying and tiring. At this point, Jesus himself needs to bring him to my front door and tell me “Dis the one”.

Remember a few posts back when I was telling ya’ll about how this season in life is hard? It is but not really all about singleness. This is a thing, but on top of it, it’s also some hard things going on within my family. I have dreams in both of these areas, and I have been realizing that oddly enough these two things, for me, go hand in hand. The fear that I have is because of what is going on in my family. One of my dreams that I have in terms of “singleness” looks different now because of current events my family is dealing with. I didn’t realize it until in a recent counseling session.

A huge part of my dreams of being in a relationship center around the fact that I am simply tired of doing life alone. I would like to find my person. I am exhausted of always having to figure it out on my own. My thoughts and issues are mainly because I’m a single mom, and it’s really hard doing all the things life throws at you by yourself. Outside of help with an extra income, it’s really just having a person to lean on and walk through the hard things together rather than alone that I’m longing for. Also, I want to enjoy all the fun things together. I often think that with what I have going on right now with my family, it would be nice to have someone to lean on, especially during a time like this.

I’m telling you this because I said all of this out loud for the first time during my session yesterday and I had the best conversation about it. I still feel the same, but I’m no longer scared of this feeling and can face that it’s very real to me. Not saying it out loud almost felt like I was running from my feelings. I have been angry at God about it and have just stopped bringing it up.

My counselor thanked me for saying it out loud as well. She shared some really valuable information after that and guess what, it was also in that book I just started reading. What she said to me, I hadn’t even thought about. She said, “Have you thought about this as a gift? The availability to be with your family as needed right now and to be fully available at any time. Singleness is a gift. You would be torn or in a pull thinking of someone else if you weren’t single.”

Real quick let me tell you, before I got on the call with her, I was reading that book and the line “Singleness is a gift” was within the first chapter and I immediately was irritated and annoyed. I don’t like that and at that moment, I didn’t feel that way about singleness. It’s a really crappy gift for someone who doesn’t want it. So, I closed the book again.

Anyways, she explained it as basically, it would make things a lot harder for me at this moment if I wasn’t single. It could cause more tension in my life. Even though I do believe it could still be a good scenario for me if I wasn’t single, I honestly don’t know what it would look like unless I’m in it. Everyone responds to things differently. My “person” may not care about what is going on in my family and still expect things to go on as usual. At this time, I don’t have to answer or adjust to anyone but myself. I have the free time to come and go and do as I please. I hadn’t thought about it, and it made sense. Just a few weeks ago I stayed at my parent’s house for 2 weeks straight because for my peace of mind, I needed to. Nobody told me to go home, I dropped all of my other responsibilities, packed myself and my baby up, and moved back in temporarily. I didn’t think much of that. If I was in a relationship or married, I don’t think that would have been the case. Some of my time would have been spent with that person. Or if there was any pushback with my decision to go home, it could have caused a little issue or caused some hurt feelings.

In addition to her telling me this, right after our session I was reading in that book again. This time, I was intrigued to see what was going to be said about singleness being a gift since that was the last thing I read. The book is called Single. Dating. Engaged. Married., you might have heard of it. In the book, the first chapter as I mentioned before is about singleness and the author Ben Stuart, talks about the reasons why or the meaning behind being single. He talks about what we are supposed to be doing in this season. He LITERALLY shared the same thoughts my counselor did. He also gave so many different examples of things people could be feeling rather single or in a relationship as well as many examples of how each person is probably spending their time in the season they are in. This is a Christian book, so he also brought in what the Bible says about how we should be spending our time. I will admit that even though this has been a good read so far, it still hasn’t taken away any feelings of anger that I may have about hearing singleness as a gift. I still don’t like it, and I still feel like I sometimes want to rush and get to where I want in this area of my life. However, I know that it probably isn’t wise and what God has for me will be so much better than what I could imagine for myself. I can think back on many times where I wanted a certain relationship to work so bad because I thought it was best for me and later down the road when I lok back on it, I see the bullet I was able to dodge.

So now since my session and reading that first chapter, I am a little more open to shifting my perspective. Even with my hurt feelings, I can say right now, I am excited for this season in my life. It’s like after that talk with my counselor and getting the confirmation in the book, I have a newfound motivation to get things done and a new excitement for my time by myself.

Your reasoning for wanting to be in a relationship or not liking this era of singleness that you are in could be completely different from my feelings. We all have different views and experiences here. I know I can speak for a lot of single parents by saying, it’s hard doing all of this alone. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to. Maybe those around you have significant others and that’s often hard to see too. Or you have a friend who seems to always be in a relationship, but you can’t even get a text back (this is a pain source for me). This is your reminder that comparison is a thief and killer or joy. You have no idea what the grass actually looks like on that side, just what they choose to show you.

None of this is to invalidate your feelings of wanting companionship. It’s still a good want to have and it’s a healthy ask. I still want it! All the information shared with me was also not to turn me away from wanting to be married eventually. It was simply to show me a new perspective on how I could/should be using this specific season in my life. It’s a time of growth like no other. In all areas of life! Spiritually, Emotionally, Financially, Intellectually, etc. This is a time for some real personal growth!

For me this looks like, loving myself fully. My weight loss journey is for me and me only. Not for someone else or about anybody’s thoughts or opinions of me. I have goals and dreams I want to achieve and I don’t have to listen to anybody tell me what I can and can’t do surrounding those dreams. I personally also struggle with people pleasing, so this is so important to me. Too many times have I seen a post from a person saying they wanted to do something cool that they were passionate about, and they had no support from their partner or even friends (not always the case but it happens). If I want to buy something for myself that is random, I can. I don’t have to ask anybody, and I also don’t have to think about how this could affect the next person. I could get smart about my money and how I spend it and learn how to get debt-free before adding another person to my life. Growing in my spiritual life is something I am really excited about as well.

The point is, if you are single, you can be spending your time however you like. This is the time in your life when you get to still be completely selfish and learn so much about yourself. This is the time you start to find ways to love yourself more. Find your likes and dislikes, find your gifts, the things that fulfill you and that you are most passionate about. Being single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be gloomy or all bad. It’s just another day. A day when people show those that they love, some extra love. So, use it to show yourself some extra love. Treat yourself! Or don’t. It’s up to you.  

If you haven’t already, take some time to do something nice for yourself. Buy that thing in your online shopping cart that you’ve had sitting for months. Do whatever, makes your heart happy, because you deserve it!  

Also, if you want, I have this free tool to get your mind back to yourself that you could do for the next 2 weeks. It’s there to help motivate you to get some things done but also remind yourself about how amazing you are! It’s called 14 Days to UR Better U.

You can have it sent to you once you fill this out: https://forms.gle/yZQxUiojjf6e5HMx8

I also have a 30-day self-development journal out on Amazon that you can get here: https://a.co/d/0FIAgHe

Also, if you’d like to read the book I mentioned, here it is on Amazon: https://a.co/d/9VIoid4

I’d also, love to hear more of your thoughts on singleness and what it looks like for you. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!

As always, thanks for reading and walking with me!

Pachion Moore

Pachion Moore

As a young single mom myself, I have faced many challenges and have overcame many hurdles. All in attempts to better my life and live the life I envision for myself. That’s also what I want for you. My passion and goal, is to help other people take the steps toward crushing their obstacles to get to the success they dream of. I will walk along side you as an accountability partner and help you set goals and then work towards them. Rather it be your health, career goals, or relationships with others, I will help you become your better you.

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